Who I was ...

My name is Tim and I am the oldest of two brothers. I was baptized in the Methodist Church between the ages of 2 and 3. My parents divorced when I was around 3 years old and my brother and I lived with our father. Like many others, my brother and I were not raised with a strong Christian upbringing. I don't remember ever being discouraged from attending a church, but our parents were not actively involved with a church and neither were we.

Being children of a single, working parent gave my brother and I a lot of time to ourselves and our own devices. I only remember bits and pieces of my pre-teen years, but I would think that we were just the typical mischevious kids. However, it was during these years that we discovered cigarettes, drugs and many other things. So I guess it's safe to say that I started heading down the wrong path at an early age.

The older I became, the faster I plunged headlong into my darkest season. For whatever reason, I was an angry and rebellious teenager. I say that because I don't know why I was filled with such anger. The anger that was in my heart simply fueled the sinful nature that we were all born with. It is no understatement to say that satan had full reign during this part of my life and I was without a doubt hell bound. My mid to late teens were probably my most troublesome years and I am truely amazed that I survived them. It is not my intention to glorify the many self-serving, shameless things that I did during these years so we will just end that season there.

When I was 20 years old I met my future wife Debbie and at 21 years of age, I married her. Like any other marriage we have hit a few rough spots over the years, but overall I believe that we have a strong and healthy marriage. Getting married was a very important milestone for me for many reasons, but they don't need to be recounted here.

From my early twenties to mid thirties, I had begun to slow my life down, as well as, most of my questionable recreational activities. I still partied hard, so my wife probably didn't recognize that I was slowing down. During this same timeframe I also became more focused on bettering my career, providing for my family and acquiring "stuff". I had fallen into the trappings of the "natural man", setting my own path and believing that I was in control of the things within my small sphere of influence.

During my late thirties I began to reflect upon the changes that had occured in my life over the years. In spite of who I had grown to be, that growth was of the "natural man". During this time, I also had a burden placed upon my heart. I guess the best way to describe it, is to say that through my mid to late thirties I had felt as if a weight was placed upon me. There also seemed to be a subtle uneasy feeling that was accompanying this weight. I felt as if I was in the unyielding grasp of a snake that constricts it's prey. Physically feeling the weight pushing in on me; crushing me. I try to resist but somehow know that my struggle is futile. Feeling the grip tighten ever so slightly with each exhaled breath; knowing that death is drawing closer.

Who I am ...

Through all of these years and circumstances my wife, Debbie, has been there for me. She truely has been a gift from God. As I mentioned, we have struggled through many things over the years and I believe we have become stronger for them. We have also enjoyed many blessings, that I did not realize at the time.

Debbie had been attending a local church with regularity and had been encouraging me for some time to come with her. She was not pushy and she was understanding when I declined. I found that I was good at finding excuses why I couldn't make it. I believe that satan has a way of keeping your mind and/or schedule busy. He can manage to keep you preoccupied so your focus is not where it should be.

One day, I finally broke down and started infrequently attending church with Debbie. As time moved on, I began to attend church with more regularity. In addition to my increase in attendance, we also began Sunday school and various Bible study classes. I say "we" attended, but I was still somewhat reluctant. At one point, we began a Bible study called "Downpour", which focused on personal revival. As we got farther along in that study, I really began to reflect back on my life. The more I looked at myself, the more I was convicted of my sins. I couldn't deny or escape it. My sins kept pressing in on me like a physical object. At the conclusion of that Bible study I could no longer turn a blind eye to it. I was a sinner and I was hopelessly lost.

Looking back upon my life, I believe that the oppressive weight that was upon me was my conviction of sin. The Lord had put that upon my heart, but I was not recognizing it for what it was. It was by His grace that I was lead to a church, and a Bible Study, that helped me to realize what was happening in my life.

I will preface these next paragraphs by saying that I am someone that tends to avoid drawing attention to myself. I have always been rather quiet and I am not outgoing. You will not find me standing in front of a group of people of any size, for any reason.

Deb and I are at church on a Wednesday night on March 4, 2007. The preacher has concluded the service and is giving the "Invitation". During the Invitation, I am quietly, earnestly praying. I am conflicted, I am praying and it's not working. I am a sinner, I am heavily burdened, I need God's grace, mercy and forgiveness in my life. I have been personally convicted of all of these things. I know what needs to be done, I have to give these burdens to the Lord. His word tells us:

Ephesians 2:8-9 (HCSB)
(8)For by grace you are saved through faith, and this is not from yourselves; it is God's gift— (9)not from works, so that no one can boast.

I know that I have to accept Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. I have to ask the Lord to forgive me of my sins, come into my life and grant me His love and mercy. I also know that I have to make a public profession of faith. One big problem: I cannot step out and walk down that isle with all of these people looking at me. There is no way ... not gonna happen. Lord, I want and need to do this. I need You in my life, but I can't walk down this isle. Lord, if I take the first step, will you help me with the others? Lord help me; I step out, right foot forward...

The Lord did take the other steps with me. I vividly remember my struggle with that first step. I was then awash with a calm that I have not known before. All of my concerns and burdens were lifted from me. The remaining steps of that walk are a distant memory, but I know that the Lord was with me. I confessed my sins and asked the Lord into my heart and into my life. I then prayed with the preacher and publically declaring my acceptance of and submission to our Lord and Savior.

I have been born anew, washed with the blood of Christ. He has paid my "sin debt" in full. The following Sunday I was baptized at our home church. The Lord was listening to the prayers of this sinner. He was there for me; waiting for me to return to Him. I am now a new believer in Christ. I still don't have all of the answers and I know that I won't as long as I am here on Earth. I also know that I will still sin and my struggles are not over. I am ok with these things. I have taken the first steps to rekindle a relationship with a Father that has never forsaken me. He has always been there, patiently waiting for me to return. My life has changed in so many ways since that day. I am confident that those changes will continue as I grow in the knowledge of Christ.

As I write this and look back upon who I was. I know that the Lord has been with me through it all. I even knew it during my most difficult years as I rebelled and turned my back on Him. I was a godless sinner and I was lost. Through all of those years, the Lord never gave up on me. He was there for me, waiting for me to seek Him out and return to Him. The Lord has unceasing love, mercy and compassion for all of us. He longs for us to seek Him out. I do not know what the Lord has in store for me, but it will be an interesting journey.

In closing, let me leave you with this final thought. I believe that John Newton (1725-1807) did an exceptional job of capturing the essence of our plight when he wrote the lyrics for the song "Amazing Grace".

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.

T'was Grace that taught my heart to fear.
And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear
The hour I first believed.

Through many dangers, toils and snares
I have already come;
'Tis Grace that brought me safe thus far
and Grace will lead me home.